naughty.bits archive

naughty.bits archive

There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.

``What's he like?'' said the woman's friend the day after the big event.

``Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know,'' said she. "But I don't think I'll be going out with him again.''

``Oh? Why not?'' asked the friend.

``Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time we kiss, he sticks his fist in my ass!''

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What you want?"

The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says, "I let you in on condition: You no mess around with my grandaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning."

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I catch you, I give you three worst Chinese torture tests ever known."

"Ok, Ok." the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat, he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on chest."

"What a lame torture test." the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock was another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

Two dogs are sitting at the Vet, a German Shepherd and a Doberman. The Doberman says to the Shepherd, "What are you in here for?" The Shepherd replies, "Ah I'm getting put down."

The Doberman says, "What for?" The Shepherd replies, "My owner said that the next time I pull clothes off the line he will have me put down. Anyway, one day I was out in the back yard and it was windy and there were clothes on the line and they were really blowing about and they just looked so good...I couldn't help myself so I went up and grabbed a nice pair of jeans, pulled them off and then ripped them to shreds.......and now here I am waiting to be put down".

The Shepherd then says to the Doberman, "How about you, what are you in for?" and the Doberman says, "You see my owner is this really gorgeous, tall blonde lady and one day we were out in the back yard by the pool and she took off her bikini and started nude sunbathing....she looked so good lying there in the sun and then she got up and bent over and it all overcame me and I just ran up to her as fast as I could and started humping her as hard as I could!"

The Shepherd then says, "Oh, so you're here to get put down too?"

The Doberman replies, "Nah, I'm just getting my nails clipped."

Three couples wanted to join a local church; an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a newlywed couple. They all went down front and made their intentions known to the minister. The minister told them that their church had a policy that you had to remain celibate for a month before you were allowed to join. They should go home and then return in a month to let them know how it went.

One month later they returned and the minister started with the elderly couple and asked how it went. The gentleman replied:

"Well, I didn't have any trouble at all until last night, but we made it! No sex for a month!"

The minister said, "Well then, we're happy to have you as members of our church!"

He then turned to the middle-aged couple and the gentleman replied:

"Well, the first three weeks were no problem. However, the fourth week was rough and for the last two nights I had to sleep in the other room not to have sex with my wife but we made it! No sex for a month!"

To which the minister replied, "Well then, we're happy to have you as members of our church!"

He then turned to the newlywed couple and asked how it went. The the young man replied:

"Well, the first three days were no problem. However, on the fourth day it was all I could do not to have sex! Then, on the fifth day, as my wife was bent over the freezer I couldn't control myself any more and I took her! Right there on the freezer!"

The minister said, "Well, I'm sorry but you are not welcome as members of our church."

The young man replied, "That's okay, we're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either!"

There was a man who met the love of his life and, even after discovering she had formerly been a prostitute, decided she would still make a good wife and so married her. Things went very well for them for several years and then started to go badly. She lost her job, his business was failing and the bank was about to forclose on their house.

Finally he approached her with the idea that she might temporarily go back to her old profession until they got back on their feet.

She said, "I don't know if I can do that again. It's been a long time and I don't look as good as I used to, either."

He finally convinced her to give it a try and she dressed appropriately and he dropped her off on her old corner for her evening's work. When he came to pick her up he asked, "Well, how'd you do?"

"Not too bad,' she said, 'I made $250.25."

"Well, that's not bad, but what Sonofabitch paid you a quarter?"

"All of them."

A little boy and a little girl, on a beach, are arguing. Little boy says to the little girl, "I have a nintendo!" Little girl says, "Oh yeah, well I have a Sega and a nintendo!"

Little boy says, "So, my dad's a doctor!" Little girls says, "My dad's an astronaut!"

Back and forth they went, each one trying to outdo the other until finally the little boy pulls down his shorts and proclaims, "But I have on of these!!!!" and shows the little girl his penis. The little girl, not being able to retaliate, gets up and goes home.

The next day, the little girl spots the little boy and proudly announces, "My mom said that with one of these (pointing to her's) I can get as many of those as I want!!!!!!"

The Newlywed couple was always making love. The urge came upon them all the time, and it sometimes hit them when they were in public or with a group of other friends. They developed a simple code to use in public in order to let each other know when one was feeling amorous. Either the husband or wife would say, "Honey, do you want to do the laundry?" or "Honey, let's go home and do the laundry."

Typical of newlyweds they often made love numerous times each day, and would never even dream of turning down an invitation from their spouse to "Do the laundry".

As time went on their little code worked out very well. One day, however, the wife came home from a terrible day at work. She had a headache and was exhausted. She crashed in bed early and was looking forward to just going to sleep. When her husband came to bed he gently reached across and said "Honey, I love you, let's do the laundry". She said that she really didn't feel like it tonight and just wanted to go to sleep. Well, rejection sucks, and he was devastated. He turned over and just lay there for a while. After a few minutes he got up and went in the bathroom. While he was gone his wife's headache started feeling a little better, and she felt really lousy about rejecting his earlier advance.

When he came back to be she turned to him and said "I'm ready to do the laundry now", to which he responded, "Oh, that's ok honey, it was a small load so I did it by hand".

It's late on a Saturday night and a mother sits up waiting for her 16-year-old son who is still out two hours past his curfew. Finally, the front door opens and the son walks in. The mother gets up, rushes to the door and begins yelling at the son.

"Where have you been? You are two hours late! Tell me this instant!" To her surprise, the son comes right out and says, "Mom, tonight I lost my virginity."

The mother is so taken back by her son's statement that she orders him to go to bed and says that she will have his father speak to him in the morning.

The next morning the father enters the son's bedroom. Deep down he is secretly proud that his son has become a man by losing his virginity. However, to make his wife happy he has to put on an authoritative father show. He approaches his son who is slowly waking up and says, "Well son last night you made your mother very angry. I sure hope you have learned something from all of this."

To which the son replies. "Damn right I have. Next time I'm using vaseline, my ass is killing me!"

Once upon a time there was a little yellow frog crying in the woods. Along came a Good Witch and she asked the little yellow frog why he was crying.

"All my friends are green," said the little yellow frog, "and I want to be green, too."

"No problem," said the Good Witch. And she tapped the little yellow frog with her magic wand and *poof* he turned all green...except for his private parts which remained yellow.

"Oh, No!!" exclaimed the little frog. "I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!"

"Sorry," said the Good Witch, "I don't do private parts. You'll have to go see the Wizard and he will turn your private parts green."

So off went the little frog to see the Wizard and have him turn his private parts green. A little while later the Good Witch comes across a little brown squirrel crying in the woods.

"Why are you crying?" asked the Good Witch.

"All my friends are red," said the little brown squirrel, "and I want to be red, too."

"No problem," said the Good Witch. And she tapped the little brown squirrel with her magic wand and *poof* he turned all red...except for his private parts.

"Oh, No!" exclaimed the squirred. "I can't go through life all red except for my private parts! You have to make me red all over!"

"Sorry," said the Good Witch, "I don't do private parts. You'll have to go see the Wizard and he will change your private parts red."

"But I'm new around here and I don't know how to find the Wizard," lamented the little squirrel.

"Oh, that's no problem," said the Good Witch. "All you have to do is.......follow the yellow prick toad!"

As the elephant said to the naked man:

"How can you breathe through that thing?"

The first grade teacher was getting to know her students on the first day of class. "Johnny, what do you like to do when you're not in school?" she asked.

Johnny replied, "I love my choo-choo. In fact, I play with it all the time at home and have tracks set up all over the house."

The teacher said, "That's wonderful, Johnny. However, since you're in the first grade now, don't you think you should call it a 'train'?"

"Yes, teacher."

"Good, now Susie, what do you like to do when you're not in school?"

Susie answered, "Well, I have a horsie. In fact, I love my horsie, I ride it every day and do everything to take care of it."

"Well, that's wonderful, Susie. However, since you're in the first grade now, don't you think you should call it a horse?"

"Yes, teacher."

The teacher said, "Good. Mary, what do you like to do when you're not in school?"

"I like to read. I read all the time and love all different kinds of books."

"Well, that's wonderful, Mary. What's your favorite book?"

"'Winnie the Shit.'"

How do you get three little old ladies to say, "Fuck!"?

Have another little old lady shout, "Bingo!".

Two old men in Miami were sitting around. The first told the other one that he thought his wife was dead. The second man asked him how he knew. The first man said "Well, the sex is still the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up".

A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.

"Ah", says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry and said the "F" word, didn't you?"

"Yes", says the man," but it was only one time."

St. Peter: "Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are extenuating circumstances."

Man: "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf.."

St. Peter: "Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word."

Man: "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I started into my back swing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron instead of the four iron..."

St. Peter: "And THAT'S when you said the "F" word?"

Man: "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird flew right into the ball's path..."

St. Peter: "You said the "F" word then, didn't you?"

Man: "Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball...

St. Peter: "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?"

Man: "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.."

St. Peter:" YOU DIDN'T MISS THE FUCKING PUTT, DID YOU??"

A drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!" The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zipper. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.

"Okay, what's so funny?" asks the cop.

"Fooled you." says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop."

At the top of the Country & Western Charts:

I Can't Get Over You 'till
You Get Out from Under Him

Q: What do you call the extra skin around a penis?

A: A man.

Gepetto says to his son, "So Pinocchio, how are things going with you?"

Pinocchio responds, "Dad, I'm having trouble with the girls. They keep complaining about splinters."

"Son, I'm a master carpenter. Go into my workshop and take some sandpaper and smooth it out."

Several days later, Gepetto asks again, "How are things going with the girls?"

Pinocchio says, "girls? Who needs girls?"

Bob boarded a plane bound from Los Angeles to Boston and, after sitting down in his aisle seat, noticed an absolutely gorgeous woman seated in the window seat. As luck would have it, no one took the center seat and Bob starting thinking about the the best way to start a conversation. Unfortunately, the woman spent the next 4 hours completely engrossed in a manuscript and a number of textbooks and magazine articles.

When the plane was about an hour out of Boston, the woman finally put the manuscript down and relaxed. Bob seized the opportunity, saying, "It looks like you're working on a novel of some sort."

The woman smiled warmly and said, "Actually, it's my doctoral thesis and I need to get it finished in the next few weeks. I didn't mean to ignore you for so long, but I'm under the gun to get this finished."

Bob returned the smile and said, "No problem, I admire your work ethic. What is your doctoral thesis on?"

The woman replied, "I'm doing a study of human sexuality, especially as it relates to males within major ethnic groups."

"Really?", said Bob. "That sounds fascinating. Have you uncovered anything which is really revolutionary?"

"Actually, I found two particular patterns which have been unknown to this point. For example, it appears from our research that American Indian males have, as a group, the largest penises in the world. And, we've also found that Jewish men are able to stay erect much longer than any other ethnic group."

"Wow, that sounds quite interesting." said Bob.

"By the way," the woman said, "my name is Mary Wickham."

"Hi, Mary," said Bob, "my name is Tonto Rubinowicz".

When the mother asked her little girl what she wanted for her birthday, she said she wanted a Barbie doll and GI Joe doll. The mother smiled and said, "But honey, Barbie comes with Ken."

The little girl looked at her mother and replied, "No Mommy, Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."

A man walks into a whorehouse with only $5.00 and asks for whatever they've got available. The lady at the front desk tells him to go up to the second floor, last door on the left. "She's real quiet, so just leave your money on the table, do your thing and leave."

The man goes up and notices this girl is just laying there, but he's hornier than a cocker spaniel, so he puts his money on the table, undresses and starts right on in. Next thing he knows, this girl starts oozing white, moldy, fluid out of her mouth, ears, eyes, and nose.

He freaks out, grabs his clothes and bolts for the front door, screaming. On his way out, he hears the lady at the front desk yell, "Hey Harvey, the dead one's full again!"

A woman walks into a hardware store to buy a hinge. When she takes it to the checkout counter, the man behind the counter says, "How about a screw for that hinge?" She thinks for a second, then replies, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower over there."

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.E. and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again.

"...On the road again..."

The M.E. is totally unimpressed..."So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.E. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "you know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife.

Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember. I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles....the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes.

Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?", he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

In a Sex Ed. lecture at Northern Arizona University, the professor was explaining that most of the makeup of sperm was basically Glucose, a sugar.

Almost as soon as the professor mentioned this fact, a female voice piped up from the back of the lecture hall, "Well if it's mostly sugar, how come it always tastes so salty?"

There was a midget who complained to his buddy that his balls ached all the time. As he was always on about his aching balls his friend suggested that he go to the doctor & see what he could do to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor & told him what the problem was. The doctor told him to drop his pants & he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants & the doctor put him up onto the examining table & proceeded to look for the trouble.

The doc put one finger under his left ball and told the midget to cough, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right one asked him to cough again, which he did. "Ah! Ah!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side & he told the midget to pull up his pants & see how thing were now. The midget was delighted as he walked around the doc's office and his balls were not aching.

"What did you do Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied..."I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots!!"

So it seems this penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called AAA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem.

The penguin wasn't in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around.

Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage.

The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over, wiping his hands on a rag and shaking his head, saying, "It looks like you blew a seal." Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, "Oh no! It's just ice cream!"

I know a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work. One Friday, Dave showed up particularly late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp. Then he turned and said, "Times they are getting tough. I mean, just today, my wife told me that she's going to cut me back to only two times a week! I can't believe it."

At which point Bob put his hand on Dave's shoulder and said reassuringly, "You think you've got it bad, there's some guys that she's cut out all together."

A guy is in Las Vegas and has lost all his money. He tries to get a cab to the airport, but the only cab available won't take him because he's broke. He begs and pleads with the cabbie,to no avail. He says, "I come here every month and I'll pay you back!" But the cabbie still refuses. The guy walks to the airport, misses his plane, and swears to get the cabbie back.

The next month the guy is back in Vegas. He sees ten cabs lined up waiting for fares with the cabbie who screwed him last month at the front of the line. He goes to the last cab, waving a wad of cash, and says," I was told that a cabbie out here gives great blow jobs." Of course, the cabbie says,"BUG OFF, ASSHOLE, and get away from here!"

The guy goes to each cab in the line and repeats his message, getting similar results. When he gets to the front cab, where the cabbie who screwed him last month is, he says,"I need a ride to the airport." and gets in the cab. The cab driver doesn't recognize him and accepts the fare. As the cab drives past all the other waiting cabbies, who stare in disbelief, the guy in the cab points at the driver with a big grin and gives a thumbs up sign.

A mom, dad and their 10 year old girl went down to Florida to visit a nudist camp. The girl goes walking around on the beach and comes back to her mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are."

The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, "Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad." The mom replied, "That's right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are." The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again.

"Mommy, mommy, dad is talking to this really dumb blonde and the more he talks the dumber he gets!"

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth.

At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

Sister Mary Catherine dies and meets St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks her, "Do you have any regrets"? Sister M.C. replies, "I always wanted to travel, but never really had the chance". St. Peter tells her since she has had a good life he will give her 24 hours to go wherever she wanted to go.

24 hours later the phone rings, St. Peter answers and she says, "Hi, this is Mary Catherine. I'm in Rome, I visited the Pope, the scenery is just beautiful". St. Peter decides since she has been good to give her another 24 hours to go somewhere else.

24 hours later the phone rings, St Peter answer and he hears, "Hi this is Mary Catherine, I'm in Paris. The Eiffel tower is amazing, the food is wonderful, I love it here". Since she has been good, St. Peter gives her another 24 hours to go somewhere.

3 weeks later the phone rings, "Hey PETE!!! This is 'Cat, I'm in Nawlins!!!!"

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs.Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr.Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

This guy gets his tests back from the doctor and is sitting in the exam room when the doc walks in. The doctor says, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?" Shocked, the patient thinks about this and decides that he wants the bad news first.

The doc says "OK, you've got cancer, and you're going to die in 6 weeks."

The patient is aghast and says, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The doctor replies, "Well...did you see my nurse when you came in? The one with the big tits and the legs that go up to here?"

Encouraged, the patient says, "Yeah, the one with the tight miniskirt?"

"Yes, that's the one."

Growing impatient, the patient asks, "Well, what's the good news?"

The doctor replies, "I'M FUCKING HER!"

An Italian, A frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.

The Italian says "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa da 6 inches above da bed in ecstacy".

The Frenchman replies "Zat is nothing. When ah 'ave finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body an zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstacy".

The Aussie says "Strewth mate! thats nuthin, When I've finished shaggin my shiela, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my cock clean on the curtains and She hits the fucking roof!!!"

One evening, this guy was walking through the upstairs of his house when he hears his young son saying his Bedtime Prayers: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, Gob Bless Grandma, God Bless Grandpa, Goodbye Uncle Ed."

"Goodbye Uncle Ed?", thought the guy, "What could the kid have meant by that?" Well the next day, they got a phone call; seems old Uncle Ed up and took a heart attack. Killed him deader than hell. "Hmm... " thought the guy. "How about that."

A few months later, the guy hears his son praying again: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa."

Sure enough, the next day Grandpa was crossing the street when he got hit by a bus. Never knew what hit him. "Well," said our hero, "This kid is two for two." A few weeks later he hears the kid a third time: "God bless Mommy, God bless Grandma, Goodbye Daddy."

The guy is alarmed! "Oh my God This is it! I'm finished! It is the end of the line! The fat lady has sung! It's all over!"

So he went to bed that night, but didn't sleep too well. The next morning he looks out the window and sees the sun coming up on a beautiful day and says "Ah, what the Hell, might as well go out in a blaze of glory." He hops in his car, tears down the street at 90 miles per hour, running over a motorcycle cop along the way. He goes into his office, empties all his desk drawers on the floor, throws papers everywhere, goes in and cusses out his boss and pinches the secretary on the ass as he walks out the door. Then he goes down to the local bar, orders a round for the house, and procedes to get schnockered.

Well, three o'clock in the afternoon rolls around, and he is still there. At four o'clock he orders another drink and waits. At five o'clock he starts to panic. "What am I going to do? I'm in trouble with the cops, I don't have a job, and I've got this $1000 bar tab. Let's hurry up and get this over with!"

Finally at six o'clock, he gets in his car and slowly drives home. He goes into his house and plops himself down on the couch. His wife walks in, and he says "Honey, I had a really bad day." His wife says "You think you had a bad day? I went outside this morning and found the mailman dead on the front porch!"

Some Gangsters, think of robbing a bank, make the best plan that can be made and start to work. A day or two later they are able to get in the bank. They see hundreds of safes.

The head gangster opens the first one up. The only thing they find in there is a vanilla pudding. The Head Gangster says, "Ok, what can we do, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding.

They open up the second safe and there's another vanilla pudding. They eat this one too. This process goes on for the rest of the safes. They get out all stuffed. An they say, "At least we were able to eat!"

Next day, on the news: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people."

A man goes to work one morning, as he's done for the last ten years, when suddenly his boss bursts through the door, tells him to pack his shit and get the fuck out, he's fired! The man tries to get an explanation out of his boss, but to no avail. He packs up his desk and leaves the office.

As he's on his way home, a young kid in a piece of shit car with no insurance, broadsides him and totals his brand new sports car. Still trying to get home, he catches a bus and as he starts to sit down next to an elderly woman, she begins screaming something about rape and beating the poor guy with her umbrella.

Finally, this poor man makes it home, and he hears noises coming from the bedroom upstairs. The man rushes up to the bedroom and catches his wife in bed with his best friend. Totally despondent at this point, he tells his wife to pack up and fuck off, and if she ever shows her face around him again he'll beat her to death!

Having the worst day in the history of man, he turns to his best friend and sadly shaking his head says...

"Bad dog!"

A man picks up a girl in a party. They proceed to her place and things are starting to heat up. He takes his shirt off and washes his hands.

He takes his pants off and washes hands again.

So the girl tells him: "I bet you're a dentist."

Surprised he says: "that's correct, how did you know?"

"You washed your hands a few times, so I figured you're used to it."

They go on and they have sex.

Then she says: "you know what? I'm willing to bet you're a very good dentist".

"How can you tell?" he asks.

"I didn't feel a thing..."

Tonto and the Lone Ranger were lost on the prairie one day. The Lone Ranger, says to Tonto, "Use your Indian instincts and get us out of this mess."

Tonto bends down and puts his ear to the ground. He turns and says to the Lone Ranger, "Buffalo come."

The Lone Ranger says to Tonto, "How do you know?"

Tonto says, "Ear sticky."

Q: How can you tell when the Bob and Elizabeth Dole have had sex?

A: Elizabeth has pen marks all over her back!

Q. Why do mice have small balls?

A. Because so few of them can dance.

Q. Have you heard the name of Salman Rushdie's new book?

A. The Life of Buddha -- That Fat Fucker

A Duck took his girlfriend out for dinner to a top class restaurant. After finishing the excellent meal the waiter came over with coffee.

As the waiter was leaving the duck caught his attention. The waiter bent down and the duck whispered, "Do you sell condoms in this establishment?"quietly into his ear. "We certainly do." replied the waiter. "In that case I'll have a pack of three." said the duck.

"Would you like me to put those on your bill?" asked the waiter. The duck, looking very offended, replied, "Hey, what do you think I am, some kind of pervert!".

One day, back in the olden days, a cowboy was crossing the desert to do some trading and came upon an indian. The indian was laying on his back and had an erection that stuck straight up in the air.

The cowboy asked the indian what he was doing. The indian replied, "Me tell-um time." This made sense to the cowboy, he was using his penis as a sundial.

A few days later, after completing his trading, the cowboy came across the same indian. This time the indian was laying on his back vigorously masturbating.

The cowboy asked what he was doing this time. The indian said, "Me wind-um watch."

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

A woman says to her girlfriend, "My husband has dandruff."

"So give him Head and Shoulders," her friend answers.

"OK, how do I give Shoulders?"

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped the way it is.

Oxford University allocated a budget of $500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilization.

Cambridge University spent $750,000 on a research programme that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis widened near the tip because it maximised the number of nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent $2.50 on a copy of Playboy and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from slipping off the end.

Two hicks, Fred and Harv, were working in an emergency room late one night when a drop dead gorgeous blonde was brought in on the stretcher.

"Hey, Fred, take care of this one, will ya? I'm gonna finish cleanin' up this mess over here."

"No problem!"

About five minutes later, Fred whispers "Hey Harv, come 'ere! This lady's got a pickle in her *ahem*."

"What?!"

"This lady's got a pickle in her pussy!"

"What the hell are you talkin about?"

"Well, come 'ere an look!"

Harv walks over to the blonde and looks at her crotch, "That's no fuckin pickle, you dumbass, that's her clitoris!!"

"Oh, well.....it tasted like a pickle!"

Little Johnny was in the shower with his mother one day when, after looking down, he said "What's that?", pointing to her pubic area.

"That's my sponge", says his mother.

"Oh, OK", said Johnny.

A few weeks went by and Johnny's mother had to go into hospital for an appendectomy. When she came out she had her pubic area shaved.

Johnny, upon seeing this, said to his mother, "Where is your sponge?"

His mother replied, "It's OK, I've just lost it. It will turn up somewhere."

A little while later Johnny comes bursting into the room and says to his mother, "Mum, I've found your sponge."

"Where?", says his mother, wondering where Johnny could have found it.

"It's upstairs. The maid is using it to wash daddy's face."

Little Johnny went to his dad one day to ask him a question. "Daddy, what's those things on Mommy's chest?"

"Well son", Dad said, "those are balloons. When Mommy dies, I will blow them up, and she will float up to heaven."

That explanation satisfied Johnny, and he went on his way.

Several days later, Johnny's dad came home to find him crying uncontrollably. When Johnny calmed down enough to speak, he told his dad that Mommy was dead.

"What?" asked Dad, "What do you mean?"

"Well," said Johnny, "when I came home from school, she was upstairs with Uncle Joe. He was blowing up her balloons, and all she could say was OH GOD, I'M COMING, I'M COMING"

Q: Why are you being paid more for a sperm donation than for a blood one?

A: Because it's hand made.

One day a driver picks up a stranger hitchhiking on the side of the road. The stranger gets in and he realized that there is a monkey in the back seat of the car. Twenty minutes goes by and suddenly the driver reaches back and slaps the monkey in the head real hard. The monkey then jumps in the front seat and starts giving the driver a blow job.

Again twenty minutes later the driver does this again, and the monkey performs the same action.

After a few other times, the driver asks the stranger "Do you want to try?" and the stranger replies, "OK but don't slap me that hard!"

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

Mom: How?

Daughter: Oh, stuff....

Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

Daughter: I don't know.....

Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember.

Daughter: Really?

Mom: Really...

Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their come out of your eyes?

This guy walks up to a vendor selling hunting supplies at a flea market in Alabama and notices a beautiful rifle scope for sale. So this guy asks the vendor "Boy, ya' sure are askin' a lot for that there scope. How do I know its any good?"

To this the vendor responds, "Well, I'll prove to ya' that that there scope is worth every penny. You see that house up there on the hill?" At which time the vendor pointed to a house on a fairly distant hill, "that there is my house. I bet you that you can see right through that front window and into my living room with that scope."

The vendor hands the guy the scope and he aims it at the house and peers through.

"Hey," he exclaims, "there's a coupla' nakid people up thar' dancin' 'roun'!"

"WHAT!" screams the vendor. He grabs the scope and takes a look for himself.

"Well I'll be a roasted pig on a spit, that's my wife and my damn neighbor! I'll tell you what," the vendor says as he attaches the scope to a high powered rifle. "I'll give you two bullets. If you can hit my wife in the head and my neighbor in the genitals, I'll GIVE you the consarn'd scope!"

So the guy grabs the rifle, aims up at the distant window and says, "Um...... ya' know what...? I'm only gonna need one bullet."

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung:I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung:I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung:I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung:I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung:I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung:I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart:What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart:I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung:I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: (logged off)

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