page 2

naughty.bits archive, page 2

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of story and then conclude the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story and little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asks for the moral of the story, Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket"

Next is little Lucy ... "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."

... Teacher asks for the moral of the story ... Lucy replies "Don't count your chicks before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy ... "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story ... Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!"

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop. When the bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps. However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldn't move. So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper.

She tried to step up again, and still couldn't, so she reached behind again and played with the zipper. She tried to climb the steps again...still no luck. So, as she reached behind again, a pair of strong hands picked her up andplaced her on the top step.

"What do you think you're doing?", she asked the guy behind her.

"Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!"

A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that there's nobody home, but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!

A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?" The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

"Hah! So What?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.

"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!".

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The woman watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

A business man checks into a very fancy hotel and tells the desk clerk he has no meetings today and would like some "companionship", price is no object.

The desk clerk says that he understands and someone will be at his door in ten minutes. Ten minutes later there is a knock on the man's door. He opens it and sees the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen in his life.

He tells her, "I'm in no hurry today, let's go real slow. What do you get for a hand-job?"

She says, "$1000."

He screams, "$1000! No hand-job is worth $1000!"

She pulls him to the window, points outside and says, "You see that liquor store down there? I bought that store with the money that I got just from hand-jobs!"

He gives her the money and sure enough the hand-job is like nothing he's ever had before. She does things that he didn't believe were possible with a hand. It's worth every penny.

"That's incredible," he says. What do you get for a blow-job?"

"$5000."

"$5000! No blow-job is worth $5000."

She takes him to the window and points, "You see that Rolls-Royce dealership? I bought that dealership with money I got from blow-jobs."

He gives her the money and the blow-job is the greatest thing he's ever known. Like rockets and fireworks and explosions. When it's over, he says, "I've GOT to have that pussy!"

She takes him to the window, points, and says, "You see that skyscraper?. . . If I had a pussy, I could buy that skyscraper."

There once was a man from Duluth
Whose prick got shot off in his youth,
He fucked with his nose
His fingers and toes,
And came through a hole in his tooth.

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.

State cop: "License and registration please."

Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"

State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."

Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"

State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."

Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."

State cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."

Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."

Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Man: "Listen you dumb bitch, shut your fuckin' mouth!!!"

State Cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?

Wife: "Only when he's drunk."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe long-term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die."

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked, "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

What do you have when you have a large green ball in your right hand and another large green ball in your left hand?

The Jolly Green Giant right where you want him!

A man in a nursing home takes up with one of the female inmates and works out a deal with her where he gets in bed with her each night and she holds his penis as they fall asleep. After several weeks of this, he dumps her for a new partner. The scorned woman questionshim, "What's she got that I haven't got?"

The man replies, "Parkinson's".

There was a lewd nude from Bermuda
Who thought she was shrewd, I was shrewder
She thought it was crude
to be woo-ed in the nude
So I pursued her, subdued her and screwed her.

There was a man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a Dalhia
The colour was fine
Likewise the design
But the odour, that was the failure.

There was a young plumber named Leigh
Who was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

There once was a man from Los Leaver
Who had an affair with a beaver.
The results of that fuck
Were a canvas-backed duck,
Two canoes, and a golden retriever.

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Complacently stroking his madam,
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the earth
There were only two balls-and he had 'em.

A man goes to a busy restaurant and sits down at the only empty table. As he sits down, he accidentally knocks the spoon off the table with his elbow. The waiter immediately takes a spoon from his pocket and places it on the table.

The man, impressed by the promptness of the service asks, " do all the waiters carry a spoon in their pockets?"

The waither answers " We had an efficiency expert evaluate our operation and he determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tables, and that by carrying a spare spoon on us, we save a trip to the kitchen and can be much more efficient."

Later as the customer asked for his bill he remarked to the waiter "Excuse me, but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter answered " that efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom, so the other end of this string is attached to my penis, and when I go to the bathroom, I simply use the string and never having touched myself, I don't need to wash my hands."

The customer asks "then how do you get your penis back in your pants?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

There was this landlord, and he was suffering from poor attendance at his pub. He decided to advertise for entertainment to bring the crowds in. After many poor auditions, he had this bloke playing the piano. The guy was brilliant. He played the most beautiful music the landlord had ever heard. He got the job immediately.

While the landlord was chatting to the pianist, he asked what the tunes were called. "Well, the first one I played was called 'I took my mother up the arse'. And the second was 'I chopped my mate's cock off with a fountain pen'".

The landlord was not too happy with this, and he suggested to the pianist that if anyone asked him the name of his tunes, he makes up something soppy and romantic. The pianist agrees.

On his first night, the pianist starts playing but the music is awful. The landlord rushes up to the chap and says, "You're scaring my customers off, what's wrong?". "I'm nervous." replies the chap. "I've never played before an audience. I need a wank to relax."

So the landlord gives him a double brandy and a copy of Men Only and sends him off to the toilets.

Ten minutes later, the chap is once again playing sweet, sweet music on his piano for the pub patrons. He can't help but notice that a woman is looking at him in a special way. He returns the look, and eventually she approaches him.

"Do you know your knob is out, and you've got spunk dribbling down your trousers?" she asked.

"Know it?" he said. "I fucking wrote it!!"

Billy and Sally (ages 6 and 4) are quietly playing in their back yard. After awhile Billy gets bored and goes back into the house. He can't find his mom or dad anywhere, then he starts to hear moaning and groaning from his parent's bedroom.

Billy runs outside to get Sally. Sally comes into the house and hears the moaning and groaning too. So she goes to the door and looks through the keyhole and says, "Oh sure, this from the woman who tells me not to suck my thumb!"

Two country Jakes from Cornfield County were hanging out at Goober's Gas Station when a lovely thing pulls up in a shiny new convertible. It's just about sundown and she asks the two clodhoppers if there is a motel or hotel in town.

"Nope," says one of them. "But yer sure welcome to spend the night with me an' Jim Bob here." Well, she looked them over and decided it would be worth it just to get off the road.

That night, Joe Bob and Jim Bob couldn't resist sneaking down the hall and peeking in the young vixen's room. She had just undressed for bed and turned around to see the two of them gawking and mouth breathing. "Well, boys. I reckon you're here to collect for the night's boarding. But I've got one rule you both gotta follow." J.B. and J.B. were falling all over each other clamboring into the room, all grins, and nodding their heads. "Sure thing, missey. Anything you say."

She handed them each a condom and said, "Now no tricks, you boys both have to promise me you won't slip these off, or else I'll get pregnant." The boys gleefully agreed and they both had the time of their lives that night.

About a week later, J.B. and J.B. were kicked back against a tree fishing and and digging at their crotches and J.B. said, "Jim Bob. That would be a shame if that gal that stayed with us last week got pregnant, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah, I s'pose so."

"Yep........Aw, ta hell with her - let's take these damned things off."

A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup.

"What's this?!?!?" he screams! "There's a pussy hair in my soup! I'm not payin' for it!" and he storms out.

The waitress gets very upset at this and follows him out and sees him go to the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and says, "You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???" the waitress yells.

He lifts his head, turns to her and says, "Yeah!... and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for it EITHER!!!!!"

An elderly man decides to join a nudist colony. He asks if he can just wander around the grounds to decide if he really wants to join. He strips and goes for a walk. After a while the man becomes tired and sits on a bench to relax. Along comes a beautiful woman and the sight of her causes the old man to become excited.

The woman, noticing the man's erection due to her presence, goes over and satisfies him by performing oral sex on him. The man is thrilled. He hurries back to the office and tells them he wants to join immediately and pays his dues.

The old man lights up a cigar and goes out for another walk. While walking, he drops his cigar and bends over to pick it up. A young man sees the old man bent over and goes over and performs anal sex on the old man. The elderly gentleman hurries back to the office to cancel his membership.

"But why," asks the person at the desk, "you just said this was one of the greatest places you ever visited."

"Yes," replies the old man, "but at my age I only get excited once every three months, but I drop my cigar five times a day."

A doctor on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud noises not unlike a Kenworth.

"VRROOOOM, VRRROOOOMM... SCREEEECH....."

"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. "I'm taking this road train down to Barcelona," replies the ex-trucker. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers.

On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife."

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

A small boy watched as his father ran back and forth across the lawn, towing a spinning kite at the end of a long string. No matter how hard the father pulled, the kite flew erratically and refused to rise more than a few feet off the ground.

His wife stood on the porch shaking her head from side to side. "Henry, you need more tail!" she yelled.

Her husband dropped the string in disgust, and mumbled to himself, "Isn't that just like a woman. Last night she told me to go fly a kite."

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

A woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the Mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll get to a husband." The father walked out of the room.

The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, the vibrator in the other, watching the football game. "What are you doing?" she cried.

"What does it look like?", shouted the Dad. "I am having a drink and watching the game with my son-in-law!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.

The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing, fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, if the man returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.

"So did you follow him?"

"I did."

"And...where did he go?"

"Over to your house..."

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I told you I was sick."

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll up my ass."

A tower crane driver on a construction site has to have a piss, so he tells his apprentice to drive the crane while he gets in the concrete bucket, then swing him out over the street. "It'll all turn to mist on the way down." he says. "Just don't knock that lever there, or you'll drop me out the bottom."

So the bucket gets swung out over the street holding the crane driver who proceeds to relieve himself. Just then a gorgeous, long-legged, miniskirted Babe walks along the footpath below. The catcalls, whistles etc., echoing up from below attract the young apprentice's attention - he leans over to see what all the commotion is about.....and inadvertently knocks THAT lever.

On the second floor, one of the carpenters says to his mate, "Shit, those crane drivers are over sexed! All that for a doll in the street!"

"What d'ya mean?"

"Well one just went whizzing past the window holding onto his his cock and screaming "Fuck! Fuck! Fucking Cunt!"

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."

He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."

"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled.

"What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"

A traveling salesman walks into a whore house, throws down $200 and tells the madam, "I want the worst blowjob in the house."

The madam looks confused and says to the man, "But sir, for this kind of money, you can get the best blowjob in the house."

The salesman says to the madam, "I know. You don't understand. It's not that I'm horny, I'm just homesick."

A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and tells the guy behind the counter, "I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream." The counter man says, "I know this may sound strange, but we don't have any chocolate ice cream. We ran out and the delivery truck hasn't arrived yet."

She says, "In that case, I'll have a half gallon of chocolate ice cream." "Ma'am, I just told you. I'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate ice cream."

"Okay, then I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream."

"Look lady, I said we don't have ANY chocolate ice cream!"

"That's okay, I'll have an ice cream cone with two scoops of chocolate."

The counter man is absolutely livid and says, "Lady, how do you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?"

She says, "S - T - R - A - W."

"Right, now how do you spell the 'van' in vanilla?"

"V - A - N."

"Great, now how do you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?"

She says, "There is no 'fuck' in chocolate."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you, THERE IS NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!"

The teacher had given the class an assignment.

He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:

"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

A lady went into a sex shop and asked the attendant, "Do you sell vibrators?"

"Yes," the attendant replied, "Come this way." he gestured.

"If I could come that way I wouldn't need the damn vibrator!!!"

The Seven Dwarfs in Rome

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.

"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"

"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"

"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"

"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"

"I'm sure."

"Okay." Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.

"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.

Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."

And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy screwed a penguin! Grumpy screwed a penguin! Grumpy screwed a penguin!"....

Little boy: "My father eats light bulbs!"

Teacher : "That's ridiculous! What makes you think your dad can do that?"

Little boy: "Last night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn off the light and I'll eat it!'"

A 35 year old woman has never been married, never been on a date, and has never even had a prolonged conversation with a man. Thinking the problem might be medical, she consults a doctor. The doctor, a Chinese internist, listens to her tale of woe and says, "I sink you have Zacherys Disease." She says "That sounds awful. Are you sure?" The doctor says "Rets do test to be positive." He first asks her to take off all her clothes. Next he asks her to walk away from him, turn around, and walk back. "'Yes, I right" he says. "Your face rook zachery rike your ass."

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

A: You know she'll swallow.

Q: How does every ethnic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?

A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

A: Erotic is when you use a feather; kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?

A: One to do the work and the other to moan with.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish-American Princess and a bowl of Jell-o?

A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Q: How come no one ever came up with any jokes about the Jonestown incident?

A: The punchlines were too long.

Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A: A new last name.

Q) What do you get when you cross a penis with a potato?

A) A dictator

This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?"

And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

They threw a Halloween party. When most of the guests were there, the bell rang. There stood Uncle Elroy on the doorstep, only dressed in his trousers.

"But Uncle", they asked, "what do you impersonate?"

"Well, I am the Premature Ejaculation himself."

"But...?"

"I've come in my pants."

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving".

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your train as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Friend of mine rented a car that, he was told, had a voice activated radio. Tell it what you want and that's what it will play, the renter said.

So, once on the highway, he turned on the radio, said CLASSICAL, and immediately heard a Mozart Concerto, followed by short work by Brahms.

The is great, he thought. I'll try something else and said JAZZ. No sooner said than done, as the strains of a Benny Goodman work, with Peggy Lee, filled the car. As he was enjoying this a driver on his right cut him off.

Angered, he shouted ASSHOLE! At once, he heard Rush Limbaugh.

Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?

A. Pressure.

There was this couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bedlamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your gear off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked," Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."

"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love...At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then, at supper time, and all night long, we make love."

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man bawls through his tears, "I forgot where I live!"

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.

The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."

One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up. In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said, "Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.

Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee. Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!

Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and front of me and saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things."

"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."

Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk. "How can I get human milk?" Mendel asked the doctor.

"Well, Ruby Finkelstein's just had a baby, maybe she'll help."

So every day Mendel went to Ruby's house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady, who, inspite of herself, gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts. One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, " Tell me Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?"

"Mmmm, wonderful," he sighed.

"is there....," she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow, "is there anything else you'd like?"

"As a matter of fact there is," murmured Mendel.

"What?" Ruby asked breathlessly.

Mendel licked his lips. "Maybe a little biscuit?"

After many unbroken years of service to the priest of the parish, an old nun decided to take a vacation at the seaside. Wanting to make sure the priest was looked after as well as possible, she gave a young sister detailed instructions on every aspect of his care.

When the young nun come in on the first morning with the priest's breakfast, he told her he had a key between his legs and she had a lock between hers. "If I put my key in your lock," he explained to the girl, "it will open the gates to heaven."

She thought that sounded like a fine idea, and they did it many times before the old nun came back to resume her duties.

On her return she asked how things had worked out, and the young sister eagerly explained about the gates of heaven. "Why, that lying old bastard!" shrieked the nun, "Thirty years ago he told me that was Gabriel's horn, and I've been blowing it ever since!"

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.

After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby Manchester studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.

Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.

"There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"

"Thats not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asks the model.

"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.

"Good" says the model. "That being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair.

The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modelling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returns Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.

"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties, points to her own hairy mass.

Later Fed returns and they retire to bed. "Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.

"Yes," he replies. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"

"Just to show you the difference," answers Doris. "but anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times!"

"Yes," says Fred, "I have....but the rest of the fucking darts team haven't!"

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

A woman is walking down the street when she sees an advert in the window which reads, "Good Home Wanted for Clitoris Licking Frog." This woman can't believe the ad but goes in to ask.

There is a young boy behind the counter. She walks in and asks him, "I've come about the Clitoris Licking Frog."

The young guy smiles and replies, "Oui, Madame."

A woman wearing a tank-top sits down at a bar and raises her hand to gain the bartender's attention, exposing a tuft of underarm hair that had not seen a razor in months. The bartender, noticing the sickened look on his customer's faces yet not wishing to insult the woman, tells her, "Ma'am, my name is Charlie, and if you need a another drink, just say 'Hey Charlie,' to get my attention."

"Okay," says the woman.

A few minutes later, after the woman emptied her glass, she raises her hand again to get Charlie's attention. Patrons begin to leave the bar, disgusted at the sight of her armpit foliage, and Charlie is losing patience with her. "Ma'am, I told you to call my name if you needed anything," he tells the woman.

"Hey Charlie, put her drink on my tab," a drunk at the other end of the bar says. "I just love the ballet."

"Ballet?" Charlie asks. "What in the world do you mean?"

"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina." the drunk replies.

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees--always willing to work overtime and go the extra mile when needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees; he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

A man comes home to find his wife admiring herself naked in the mirror. "Do you know what the doctor told me today?" she asks. "He said I had the most perfectly formed woman's body he's ever seen."

"Did he say anything about that big fat ass of yours?" ask the man. "No, your name didn't even come up."

Miles and Jonathan decide to go skiing one weekend, so they load up Miles' station wagon and head toward the Sierras. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pull up to an enormous farmhouse and ask the attractive lady of the house if they can spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

Jonathan asked, "We'll be happy to sleep in one of your barns, if that's okay."

Nine months later, Jonathan receives a letter from the widow's attorney. He calls up his friend Miles and says, "Say, Miles, do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Uh, yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"

Miles' face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks a lot, Buddy!...she just died and left me her farm."

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says "no problem, I am not married." The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so shewill have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again.

Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business. When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children."

The nun replies, "thats OK, I have a confession too. My name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume party."

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

A physically large guys meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says, "See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, and strikes a musclebuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

- What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince woke up Sleeping Beauty?

- "Looks like it's back to jerking off"

- What does Michael Jackson hate about sex?

- Getting the bubble gum off his dick.

- What's so special about the White House elevator?

- It's the only thing Hillary Clinton will go down on.

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'."

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios!"

Go to page 3 of the archives.