The other responds, "Hell, we haven't even reached the esophagus!"

The Sister took the fish back to the rectory and said, "Mother Superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The Mother Superior said, "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!" The Sister said, "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it - a goddamn fish". So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said, "Monsignor, look at the goddamn fish that the Sister caught." The Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" The Mother Superior said, "But that's the name of it - a goddamn fish". The Monsignor said, "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it".

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish". And the Sister said, "I caught the goddamn fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the Monsignor said, "I cooked the goddamn fish".

And the new priest said, "I like this fucking place already!"

How can you tell Bill Clinton thinks he's got the election wrapped up?

He's starting to date again.

The other guy says, "Well, it's up to you, but I would pat him on the head first just to make sure he's friendly."

Because of the operation, he felt very depressed. The pressure was gone, and there was no pain, but still, he sat by the window and stared into empty space. His wife wandered over and told him "Honey, I know how you must feel. Whenever I feel depressed, I go downtown and buy some new clothes. That always makes me feel much better." He takes her advice. He goes to the most expensive haberdasher in town and orders a fancy suit. The tailor tells the man, "Well, I can tell that you wear a size 15-and-a-half shirt." The man is amazed. "That's exactly right," he says.

"And a size 10-B shoe."

"Yes!" exclaims the man, "you are right again."

"And you wear a size 10 hat, 34 inch pants length, and a 36 inch waist on your underwear," says the tailor.

"That's perfectly right, except my underwear has a 34 inch waist."

"Oh, no," says the tailor, "I know my business. You wear a 36. If you wore tighter underwear, you'd get pressure built up in your groin, and then you'd get terrible headaches."

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No." she answered.

"Was it from playing the stock market?"

"No." she replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"

"No." she replied, "I bet people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer."

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

"What's wrong with him?" he inquired.

"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:15 this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

Upon his arrival he called for an assemblage of his Knights of the Round Table. He had them line up and lower their pants.

One by one, he inspected them and was dismayed to see that each revealed a heavily bandaged area - all except for Lancelot who didn't have a scratch.

"So, Lancelot," the King said, embracing him, "you are the only Knight of the Round Table who did not betray my friendship and trust. Tell me which of my treasures you would have and it shall be yours!"

Lancelot answered: "Nnnmm nnn nn mnnn..."

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he had experienced in ... well, a long time! When he was satisfied, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast of eggs, potatoes, ham, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly sated, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the saucer's edge.

"All this was just wonderful - too wonderful for words," he said. "The love making, the great breakfast and coffee ... but what's the dollar for?"

"Oh," said the woman, "last night when I told my husband that it was your last day and that maybe we should do something for you, he said 'Fuck him; give him a dollar!' ... The breakfast was my own idea."

Assuming that he is being kidded, Bill orders another beer and walks over to a table at which a dozen or so guys from work are sitting. After again asking the important question, he is again advised that, "There ain't no women in town". "But, I'm here on a six month rotation. I can't get by for six months without getting laid!", he exclaims.

The guys at the table exchange conspiratorial glances and then one says, "Well, you can do what we do." "What's that?" "We go out and fuck the Polar Bears." "Bullshit!", says Bill. "No one would be stupid enough to try something like that!" "Well, we're going out right now Bill and you're welcome to tag along".

So Bill follows these guys outside into the Alaskian night. He notices that they've all brought ropes and lassos and he begins to think that maybe they weren't kidding him. For about an hour, they silently cross open tundra and climb over snow drifts until finally, they locate a herd of Polar Bears on the other side of one drift.

Bill watches as the guys ready their lassos and then start to slide and crawl on their stomachs towards the unsuspecting Polar Bears. Suddenly one guy tosses his lasso and ropes a Polar Bear and then all the other guys throw their lassos. Ropes are flying everywhere and, as Bill watches in shock, the guys start droping their pants and fucking the polar bears they've caught.

At this point, Bill figures that if they can do it, he can too. He locates a rope and uses it to lasso a Polar Bear. He approaches the Polar Bear with some caution, but gets her down on the ice and drops his pants. He starts to fuck the Polar Bear and, just as he's really getting into it, he realizes that several of the guys are watching him and laughing at him.

After finishing his business, Bill indignantly confronts these guys while pulling up his pants. "What the hell are you laughing at? You fucked the Polar Bears too!"

"Yeah, but we didn't fuck the ugly ones!"

So he flies down, fucks her and flies away. She asks, "Did you feel a gust of wind?"

"No," says the Invisible Man, "but my ass hurts like hell!"

The young man walked into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise he saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two pearl handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important son is, can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked.

"Well," Masterson said, "I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.

Masterson put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in his chair and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets down playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and stick them right up your ass!"

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."

Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything.

The guy says, "How old are you?"

Johnny says, "Six."

The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"

Johnny says, "Right after the first time I got laid."

The guy says, "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?"

Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, "From the stork of course!"

The little guy thinks for a few seconds and then asks, "But mom, who fucks the stork?"

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

The man tells her it will be $300.

She exclaims,"I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks, "Anything"??

And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!"

With that, the man says, "Follow me."

He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.

He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.

He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does!!

He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.

The man then says, "Well, go ahead!"

She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello....mom?"

The fellow asked her what she found so amusing.

"Your organ." she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."

Hurt, he replied, "Well, it's not used to playing in cathedrals."

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father comes home and the wife tells him that she's leaving him. "But why?" croaks the husband. "Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"

"You see these cobblestone roadways in Prague? I built everyone of them stone by stone. But do they call me roadster? No?"

You see that hill over there? Once there was a famine in Czechoslovakia. I went up that hill and planted a potato crop that fed that whole of Czecholslovakia for three years. But do they call me farmer? No!"

"But fuck one goat..."

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of th-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

So our friend strolls into a pet shop and explains his problem to the sympathetic clerk. The clerk thinks for a moment, then says, "I have the perfect pet for you, sir." He disappears into the back of the shop, and emerges with a small cardboard box. The gentleman opens the box, but, instead of finding a dog or a cat, discovers a frog.

"A frog?" he asks disbelievingly.

"Ah," says the salesman, "but not just any frog. I really think you'll be surprised with this pet. May I suggest you take it home for a trial. If it does not meet with your satisfaction, feel free to bring it back within a week for a full refund."

Well, what can he lose, right? He pays the clerk, takes the box under his arm, and heads home. When he arrives, he sets the box in a corner, takes the lid off so the frog can breathe, and looks at it for a moment. Nothing special. So he steps to the bar and mixes himself a martini. Just as he brings it to his lips, he is startled to hear a voice say, "Excuse me."

The man glances at the box. The voice seemed to be coming...from the frog?

"Yes, over here."

Perplexed, he steps to the box. The frog looks up at him.

"I couldn't help noticing that you made yourself an excellent martini, there."

The man is confused. "You...you talk?"

The frog chuckles. "Oh, of course I talk. But that martini...well, I just happen to be a very particular martini drinker, and you mixed that one exactly the way I like mine, not too dry, not too--"

The man recovers his poise. "Would you care for one?"

The frog hops gratefully out of its box. "Why, thank you. Most people are uncomfortable around frogs, I know, but I can see this is going to be different."

Well, the two get to talking, and they hit it off marvelously right away. The frog has the same taste in classical music that the man does, they both appreciate impressionist paintings, and both of them like to watch weekend tennis matches. When it comes time for dinner, the man carries the frog into the kitchen, and it offers suggestions on how to season his game hen, selects the perfect wine to accompany, and keeps up a steady flow of humourous conversation throughout the evening. The young man is delighted. The frog is, indeed, everything the pet store clerk had promised.

Presently the man began to feel tired, so he set the frog gently in its box and brought it into the bedroom. As he prepared to turn the lights out the frog discreetly clears its throat.

"I wonder..." it begins tentatively, "I wonder if you would mind very much..."

"What is it?" the man asks. "Well," the frog says, "I feel so close to you...I mean, we share so many interests, we've eaten and drunk together...I just somehow wouldn't feel right sleeping in a box. Could you...do you think I might possibly just sleep on the pillow next to you?"

Well, the young man sees nothing wrong with this request, so he lifts the frog out of its box and sets it on the pillow. He bids it good night, turns out the lights, and gets into bed. He is just dozing off when he hears another discreet cough.

"Excuse me," the frog whispers. "I really hate to ask this, and don't think I mean anything by it, but..." It pauses. The man sighs. "What do you want?"

The frog shifts about uncomfortably. "Well, it's just that I've grown accustomed to...that is...you see, I've always been kissed good night, before."

The man shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry, but no matter how unique you are, you're still a frog." The frog interrupts. "No, no, nothing like that. Just a quick little peck on the forehead. Really. It would mean so much to me..."

Well, it sounds so plaintive, and the frog really is such a wonderful addition to his life, that he decides that this one thing can't possibly hurt that much. So he screws up his courage (and his eyes), leans over, and kisses the frog...

*** POOF!! ***

When the smoke clears, the young man is lying in bed beside a stunningly beautiful blonde, no more than sixteen years old, stark naked, smiling blissfully up at him.

"And that, your Honor, is how my client came to be..."

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

They draw straws to see who will be the first to approach her and the Frenchman wins, so he goes down to the edge of the water and whispers to her, "Have you ever been kissed?" "No." she says, so her embraces her and passionately kisses her. After 10 minutes of this he walks back up the beach to his mates to report on how fantastic a kisser she is and how much she enjoyed it.

The Italian is next. He walks down to the mermaid and whispers to her, "Have you ever had your breasts fondled?" "No." she says, so he proceeds to gently stroke and massage her breasts. He does this for a full 15 minutes during which time she becomes quite excited. He then goes back to his friends to report that she loved it and was becoming extremely horny.

Finally it is the Australian's turn, he nonchalantly strolls down to the mermaid, bends over and whispers in her ear, "Have you ever been fucked?" "No." she says.

"Well, you are now. The tide's gone out!"

          >1 drink a fifth of bourbon
          >2 shoot a grizzly
          >3 Fuck an eskimo.

The give him a bottle, a gun and throw him out the door into the snowy night. Two hours later he returns, torn and bloody and drunk and proclaims "Now where's that eskimo you want me to shoot?"

Their balls flap over their assholes and they get a vapor lock.

They both get the trailer.

Daddy get off of me you are crushing my cigarettes.

Dear child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well though. Last week I put a load in pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained three days and the second time four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

Jim Bob locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl your sister is going to name it after me; she's going to call it Mom!

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. some man tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love,
Mom

PS - I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

That night as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagled.

"Hi Honey!", she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?"

"Hell no!" he roared. "Look at what it done did to your undies."

The plumber shows up, he takes one look, and he says, "Listen, Mac, I think I can save your wife, but the guy in the hat's a goner."

There's a scream from the bedroom. The husband runs in and there's a guy leaping out of the window.

His wife says, "Whaa! That guy just fucked me twice!"

He says, "Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he fucked you once?"

She says, "Because I thought it was you...until he started for the second one."

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off

The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things From Your Nose

The Hardy Boys, the Bobsey Twins, and The Vice Squad

Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle

Babar Becomes a Piano

"Do you think it will work?" she asked the doctor. "It's worth a try," he said.

So the doctor delivered the baby and then operated on the priest. After the operation he went in to the priest and said, "Father, you're not going to believe this!" "What?" asked the priest. "What happened?" "You gave birth to a child."

"But that's impossible!" "I just did the operation," insisted the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, the priest realized that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sat the boy down and said, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son said, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replied, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and he wondered...

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Pastor said, " Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he wrote:

"Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows:

"Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

"Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought he home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in refrigerator. She had only some worn sandals on her feet, so I gave her apair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her a sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the color did not suit you. Her pants were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then when she was about to leave the house she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use any more?"

The husband then comes into the bedroom. He questions his wife, "It's a little early for you to be in bed, isn't it?". She tells him that she was tired and she was just taking a nap and asks him, "It's a little early for you to be home from work, isn't it?". He told her that there was nothing going on at work and so he came home early. Just then, they hear a clapping sound coming from the closet. The startled husband cries, "What is that?!?" and throws open the closet.

The wife's lover is in the closet, swatting and clapping at things with his hands. The husband asks, "Who the hell are you?" To which the man in the closet answers, "I'm from the health department. I'm here about the moth problem. I'm trying to rid you of all these moths." The husband says, "But you've no clothes on!".

The man looks at himself, and quickly looks back up and shouts, "The hungry little bastards!!"

The hooker tried shutting her eyes and pretending her john was normal. But she made the mistake of opening her eyes. One look at the hideous form fucking her and she vomited all over him.

The hunchback stopped and asked, "Are you sick?"

"Yes," she stammered.

"Good," he said. "For a minute, I thought I'd busted my hump."

A. Bingo!

And Little Red Riding Hood replies, "Eat, eat, eat...doesn't anyone ever fuck anymore?"

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her tits. "Pierre, what are you doing?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

"No", replied the father. "It's because you're 18!"

"I beg your pardon, what did you say?" the teller replied.

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him the problem. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no fuckin problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this fuckin bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"