The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don't you know what color the child is going to be?"

"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is."

"Ok", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual."

The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?"

"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.

"Wait", says the doctor, "The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"

"Yes, doctor he was."

"Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Asian?"

"Yes, doctor he was."

So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying.

"Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brother we can call "The Future. Do you understand, Son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it". That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father. "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is".

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit".

"What's wrong, old man?" he asked angrily "You never did anything stupid when you were young?"

"Yes," the old man said, "I screwed a parakeet once. I was just wondering if you might be my son."

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"

Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just ONE LITTLE WEINER!"

"Don't jump!" says the Priest, "It can't be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live."

"That's one of the reasons I'm jumping!" Says the man.

"Well if that won't stop you, think about your family!" says the Priest.

"That's another reason!" says the man.

"Well think about your job!" says the Priest.

"There's another reason!" says the man.

"Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick!" says the Priest.

"Who's that?" asks the man.

"Jump, you Protestant bastard!"

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her Mother and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Mother says "Sure why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they just make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!!"

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen ??? My God girl! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"

He came to an old farmhouse and knocked on the door. "Hello", he says, "I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and my truck has broken down. I wonder could I have a bed for the night?"

"Well", says the farmer, "There's only two rooms, myself and the wife in one, and my young daughter in the other."

"Look, I'm the greatest truck driver in the world and all I want is a bed for the night, your daughter will be as safe as a house.", says the greatest truck driver in the world. "All right." says the farmer, and they all went to bed.

At four in the morning, the farmer hears the headboard next door banging against the wall. He got up and looked in, there was the greatest truck driver in the world driving it into his daughter, with his bare ass going up and down. He went down stairs and loaded the shotgun.

He snuck into the room and shoved the shotgun up the greatest truck driver in the world's asshole.

"All right!", he says, "If you're the greatest truck driver in the world, try and reverse out of there with a full load!"

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing." said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig."

The eighty-year-old looked at the seventy-year-old, then looked back at the ninety-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's your problem?"

"I don't wake up till eleven." he replied.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude," she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said. The lady replied, "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant." she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

When he wakes up in the morning he finds himself alone with his bed full of blood. Not being able to remember last night too well, he exclaims, "Oh my God, I think I killed her!"

Then he looks in the mirror, and continues "... and ate her too!"

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives. He opens the door to see a bloke covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink bodystocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time and the host opens the door to see two Black guys, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "Christ, guys, what the hell do you think you look like, you could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies (in a strong West Indian accent), "Well, I'm fucking disgusted and my friend here has come in despair."

Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.

When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."

When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out."

Flo looked at him and smiled. "That usually happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose."

The Arky said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

"That's terrible," said Williams. "How'd you ever get any sleep?"

"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out," replied Irvin.

Ann takes her friend aside and says, "Go and get yourself a ketchup bottle. You have a month to practice."

One month later, on their anniversary, while Sophie and Harry are in bed, Sophie tells Harry that she has a special present for him and when he finds out its a handjob he becomes hard with anticipating. Sophie takes his penis and grips it with one hand and says, "Here goes......I hope you like it."

Sophie then takes her other hand and smacks the end of his penis with the palm of her hand three times.

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.

"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh I'm so excited for your to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

"Oh Mom!" she sobbed, "I'm pregnant!"

"Ye gads !!!" screamed the Mother. "And just who is the Father?"

The daughter lifted up her weeping face and wailed, "How the hell would I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"

Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression.

When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says," I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.

"Her Mum's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mum and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word.

Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, decides he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts: "All right, I'll do the damn dishes!!"

So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.

He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. By now the farmer has heard all the commotion.

He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself ........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Inside, he found an eldery man cursing and banging away on the wall with both fists.

"Stop that!" the manager ordered. "You're disturbing the whole hotel!"

"Damn the hotel!" the eldery man spat. "It's the first erection I've had in years, and both my hands are asleep!"

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!" she exclaimed.

"He's the one who's been pissing in the refrigerator!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled in between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch ten circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

At first, the elephant thinks that there's no way he's gonna go for that deal, but the thorn hurts too much, so he agrees. "Besides, how bad can it be to let an ant fuck me in the ass?" he decides.

So, the ant removes the thorn from the elephant's foot, then crawls up on the elephant's ass & proceeds to put it to him.

All the while, there's a monkey in a tree overhead watching the goings-on, which he finds hilarious. So the monkey starts to throw coconuts down at the two. One of the coconuts hits the elephant on the head, and makes him say, "Ouch!"

To which the ant says, "Take it all, bitch!"

Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

        You have tennis elbow.
        Soak your arm in warm water.
        Avoid heavy labor.
        It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

        Your tap water is too hard........Get a water softener.
        Your dog has worms................Give him vitamins.
        Your daughter's on drugs..........Put her in rehab.
        Your wife's pregnant..............It ain't yours---get a lawyer.

        And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand, the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming - That was me!!!"

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is a good aphrodisiac."

"Really," replied the milkman. "Okay, do you want that pasteurized?"

"No, up to my tits would be fine," she said.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked...and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman." he says, "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo...I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

The lady looks perplexed but responds by dropping the rod on the floor. The clerk remarks, "That is a Fenwick Eagle 6 foot Spinning Rod Classic Combo, the price is $40. If you bring it up to the register I can ring it up for you."

The lady is amazed. As she bends over to pick up the rod-and-reel off the floor she lets out a tremendous fart. Embarrassed, she scurries over to the counter. The clerk rings up the sale and says, "That will be $57 dollars". The lady questions him, "I thought you said it was only $40?" The clerk replies, " Its $40 for the rod-and-reel, $10 for the duck call, and $7 for the stink bait.

The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "No fucking way! You get violent when you drink."

The Priest says "Is that you Tommy"?

Yes father, it is I.

Who was the woman you were with?

I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation.

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley"?

No father.

Was it Fiona MacDonald?

No father.

Was it Ann Brown?

No father, I cannot tell you.

The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what happened?

Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads".

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."

Room after room they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylum's director was reluctant to open. Finally he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist: "My God, what are you doing?"

"I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

Finally, at the insistance of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private school. Not just ANY private school, but a Catholic school. Nuns. Weekly mass. The whole shootin' match.

Well, the first day of school finally arrived, and dressed in his salt-and-pepper cords and white wool dress shirt and blue cardigan sweater, the youngster ventured out into the great unknown. His mother and father were convinced they were doing the right thing.

They were both there waiting for their son when he returned home. And when he walked in with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face, they hoped they had made the right choice. He walked right past them and went straight to his room - and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He only emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, he went straight back to his room, closed the door, and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern continued ceaselessly until it was time for the first quarter report card.

After school, the boy walked into the home with his report card - unopened - in his hand. Without a word, he dropped the envelope on the family dinner table and went straight to his room. His parents were petrified. What lay inside the envelope? Success? Failure? DOOM?!?

Patiently, cautiously the mother opened the letter, and to her amazement, she saw a bright red "A" under the subject, MATH. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at the remarkable progress of their young son!

"Was it the nuns that did it?", the father asked. The boy only shook his head and said, "No."

"Was it the one-on-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?", asked the mother.

Again, the boy shrugged, "No."

"The textbooks? The teacher? The curriculum?", asked the father.

"Nope," said the son. "It was all very clear to me from the very first day of school, that these folks in Catholic school meant business!"

"How so?", asked his mom.

"When I walked into the lobby, and I saw that guy they'd nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

Two test tickles.

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to.. To.. Cut it off, are you???!?"

The husband said "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!"

The old man says, "Well, one time my donkey got lost, so me and my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the vodka and one by one, started screwing the donkey. It was a lot of fun."

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said, "Well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the vodka and one by one, screwed the neighbor's wife. It was a lot of fun."

The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn't write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said, "Well, one time I was lost........"

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm Christening it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.

"Zelda, you've always been by my side. When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side. When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side. When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side. When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side.

"And now when I'm dying; you are at my side.

"Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!"

Not convinced, the man calls his lawyer next and explains he's to be audited and what the accountant told him. The lawyer said he disagreed; the man should dress nice, so the auditor will see he's a respectable person.

More confused and worried than ever, the man calls his minister and tells the story a third time, as well as the advice he's been given.

The Minister sez, "I have the same problems with marriages. The Mother of the bride wants her to dress like an old fashioned girl. Naturally, the groom wants her to wear something provocative. I'll tell you the same thing I tell the bride. It doesn't matter much what ya wear, or don't wear -- you're gonna get screwed good."