Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"

"Well...yes."

Still without looking up. "Does that mean you suck men's penises?"

Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative. Whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummie, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he whined.

"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!?!?!"

The priest replies, "This Protestant bastard claims that he is Jesus Christ, when he knows darn well that I am!"

"You lying Catholic heathen!" shouts the minister, and they start pounding away at each other again.

"Gentlemen, gentlemen, - PLEASE!" says the Rabbi stopping them once more, "The truth is - you are both wrong, because I am Jesus Christ."

At this statement the priest and the minister start into the Rabbi, who ducks the first assault and cries out, "Wait, wait - I can prove I'm Jesus Christ. Just come with me and I 'll show you."

So the Rabbi leads them around the streets to the red light district, and stops outside the first door on the street. He turns to the others and says, "Now I shall prove who really is Jesus Christ."

He knocks on the door, which is opened by the madam of the house. She takes one look at the Rabbi and exclaims, "Jesus Christ - not YOU again!!"

Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked.

She calls out, "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."

Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "Damn it, all that money and they didn't even iron it!"

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely...is there anything that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just...well,it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean you actually figured out some way we can check our e-mail here?"

She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they are walking through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting, and pounding his chest with the free hand. He obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now, try lifting your dress up your thighs." He says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a headache!"

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's Wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"

He went into the shop and there behind the counter was this horny blond chick with huge tits. He said to her, "Are you the one who gives the wank?"

"Yes, of course." she said smiling.

"All right then, he replied, "Wash your hands and give me two sausages."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over; it's horrible.

The chief is appalled, and asks, "My God almighty, what are you doing?"

The New Yorker says, "so much for your canoe, you stupid fuck!"

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfeld

We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation. - Jane Wagner

A: Sheep can hear a zipper a mile away

"It's very simple, really," the proprietor explained. "You see, my name is Steven Even. So I just decided to turn it around and call this The Even Steven. I thought if might get a few folks puzzled enough to stop and ask questions, and sometimes it does."

"That's a pretty smart way to use the luck of a name," said the bookie appreciatively. "I bet it brings you a lot of business."

"It hasn't brought me so much luck," he said. "The folks who stop here don't stay long. There's not much gaiety around here, as you could see. In fact, there's not another soul lives closer than thirty miles away, whichever way you go. Makes it pretty lonely for me, a widower. And worse still for my daughters. Three of the loveliest girls you ever set eyes on, should have their pick of boyfriends. But, they are getting so frustrated they're about to do anything for a man."

The bookie made sympathetic noises, and listened to more in the same vein until hunger obliged him to change the subject to that of food. An excellent home-cooked dinner was served to him by a gorgeous blonde who introduced herself as Blanche Even; and when he was surfeited she still kept pressing him to ask for anything else he wanted.

Finally, she said, "Would you like me to sit and talk to you for a while?"

"Thank you," he said politely, "but I've had a long day and I feel like closing the book."

He went to his room and had just started to undress when there was a knock at the door and an absolutely breath-taking brunette came in.

"I'm Carmen Even," she said. "I just wanted to see if you'd got everything you want."

"I think so, thank you," he said pleasantly. "I do a lot of traveling, so I pack very systematically."

When he had finally convinced her and got rid of her, he climbed in between the sheets and was preparing to read himself to sleep over the Racing Form when the door opened again to admit an utterly stupefying redhead in a negligee to end all negligees.

"I'm Ginger Even," she announced. "I wanted to be sure your bed was comfortable."

"It is," he assured her.

"I hope you're not just being tactful," she insisted. "May I try it myself?"

"If you must," said the bookie primly. "I will get out while you do it."

When she had gone, he settled down with a sigh of relief and was about to put out the light at last when the door burst open once more and the proprietor himself stomped in, glowing with indignation.

"What's the matter with you," he roared. "I got to listen all night to my daughters moaning an' wailing, the most luscious gals in this county, because they all try to show you hospitality an' you won't give one of 'em a tumble. Ain't us Evens good enough for you?"

"I'm sorry," said the transient. "But I told you when I registered I'm a professional bookmaker. I only lay Odds."

The lawyer waited until the woman had reached the second tee and asked if she would like to join him, and they could finish together. To his surprise the woman agreed, and they played the remaining holes. Not only was this woman beautiful, she was also a good golfer.

When they completed their round, the lawyer told the woman that, not only was he a lawyer, but he was also a cordon bleu chef and wine buff. He invited her back to his place for a meal and a few drinks.

The woman accepted enthusiastically and off they went. Back at the house, the lawyer cooked a magnificent meal. In fact it was more than just cooking; it was a performance to behold. They enjoyed good food, good wine and good conversation. After the meal, the woman repaid the lawyer with the best oral sex he had ever experienced.

The lawyer was so taken by the beauty and skill of this woman that he desired her to no end. He then asked if she would like to play golf the following morning, to which she agreed. Once again, they enjoyed a great game of golf together, a magnificent evening meal, and once more the lawyer received sensational oral sex.

This went on for three weeks, when the lawyer finally said, "Listen, the golf and the company has been fantastic! But, there is only so much oral sex a man can take. When are we going to go at it?"

"We can't." said the woman. "Why not?" cried the lawyer. "Because I'm a transvestite." replied the woman.

"YOU BITCH!" screamed the lawyer. "I can't believe you have been playing off the LADIES' TEES FOR THE LAST THREE WEEKS!!!"

The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar.

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus's owner pockets the fifty bucks.

Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus's owner.

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!"

The octopus says "Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajama's off I'm gonna fuck it!"

One of the old ladies looks up and says "Stand up for a second."

He stands up and the lady says "Loosen your belt and drop your drawers." George does, proud to display his still-awesome body.

"Turn around" she says and he does.

She closes one eye and says "You're 86."

George exclaims "That's amazing!! How did you figure that out?"

The lady looks up one more time and says, "You told us at breakfast."

A.   Chelsea

He walks over to the girl, and says, "Hello, little girl. What's your name?"

The little girl says, "My name is Blossom."

The priest says, "Oh, what a beautiful name. How did you come to be named Blossom?"

"Well," the little girl says, "seven years ago, when I was still in my mommy's tummy, she was lying right under this tree, when a cherry blossom fell right on her stomach. She decided that if she had a baby girl that she would name her Blossom."

The priest says, "Oh, how sweet," and starts to walk away. He comes back and says, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

The girl answers, "Porky."

"Why is that?"

"Because," she says, "he likes to fuck pigs."

No contest, thought George, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought George, "might as well move along" so he climbed to the next level and met another lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, George thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, George decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" George asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"

The woman says thats OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyhow.

So the woman gets the bird home puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: "AWK... NICE LEGS BABY!"

Well the the woman isn't gonna take this shit so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 3 minutes.

While the parrots in the freezer, he becomes real sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about saying that again.

The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed. This time the parrot KNOWS not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra... the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out "AWK... GREAT TITS BABY LETS SEE YA SHAKE UM!"

This once again gets the woman pissed-off and she decides that instead of 3 minutes in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 minutes.

WELL the parrot has lots of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenalin will allow him to continue to live.

FINALLY the woman opens the freezer door, and takes out the near frozen parrot and asks... "Well, have you learned your lesson??"

The parrot still shivering and barely able to speak says... "AWK... YEA, YEA SURE SURE, BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION....."

The woman says... "Yes?"

The parrot says "AWK... WHAT DID THE CHICKEN DO, ASK FOR A BLOW JOB?"

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

"They only know how to say `Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'"

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

"Thank you," said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and one of the female parrots says, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?"

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "Put the bibles away! Our prayers have been answered!!!!!"

Bill woke up and asked, "What's going on?"

Bob said, "I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife."

"How come?"

"To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!"

After a pause, Bill said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?"

"Because that's my dick you're holding."

The man is aghast, turns to her and says "You've got to be kidding me !! There's absolutely NO WAY you're still a virgin !! You've been married THREE times before THIS !!"

"But its TRUE", she says," my first husband was a psychologist...all HE wanted to do was TALK about it......my second husband, he was a gynecologist, and all HE wanted to do was LOOK at it...."

"But what about the third husband?", says the man.

"My third husband.....he was a stamp collector...and GOD DO I MISS HIM !!!"

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.

"It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

"Why sure you can." her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"

"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog."

The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please MAKE a sound like a frog?"

Perplexed, her granddad says, "Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"

And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But....where's his wheelchair?"

Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine." replied God. "Then they get the multiple orgasms."

Liz awakes the next morning to see 3 "get well soon" cards on her bedside table. She is appalled and demands to see the doctor.

"No-one but you should know about this! You have let me down", she says.

"Ah" says the doc,"this card is from my wife and I wishing you a speedy recovery." "How nice ", says Liz. "Thank you - what a nice thought."

"The second card is from old Madge the cleaner who has cleaned up after all your previous operations - she is to be trusted."

"What a beautiful thought, from such a humble person - I'm really touched", says Liz.

"But who is the 3rd card from?" asks Liz.

"Oh", says the doctor, "that's from Evander Holyfield -- thanking you for his new ear!"

Slow down and use a lubricant.

And the man replies, "Yeah, it's driving me nuts."

You can get Madonna to touch your package.

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

The sex is the same but you get the remote.

It only took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

The Pope explains the situation to the Hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the Hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for Heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem.

Pope: I'm really excited about going to Heaven.

Clinton: Why's that?

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: ......You're a day late.

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he waks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli."

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey! I didn't know that Mary worked here!"

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Slowly, the man starting leaning to his left.

The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"I don't know." he said. "They won't let me fart."

The genie grants his wish. So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 quid on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing.

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

To which the bloke replies, "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie intiates conversation, "Hey sista', its kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?

Nun: "Why no, my son, whatever is on your mind?"

Cabbie: "About dis celibacy ting. Are you telling me you aint never "thunk" about doin it?"

Nun: "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh after all."

Cabbie: "Well, would ya ever consider, you know, doin it?"

Nun: Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance I might consider it."

Cabbie: Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"

Nun: Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and certainly, he could have no children."

Cabbie: Well, sista', today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why don't youse come on up here... I won't even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is give me some head."

The driver pulls into an alley as the nun looks around and checks to see if anyone was watching, and climbs into the front seat.

Fifteen minutes later she climbs back into the rear of the cab and notices the cabbie smiling from ear to ear in the mirror.

Cabbie: (laughing)

Nun: Why, my son, what is so humorous?"

Cabbie: "Sista, I got ya'. I'm Protestant, married and have tree kids."

From the back of the cab comes the nun's unusually low voiced response, "Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party."

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments,and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except-" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo-dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo-dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo-dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo-dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo-dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo-dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo-dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo-dick, my pussy!" The voodoo-dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo-dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo-dick, my ass!"

Bob stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, oh Thor, and find thyself what they call a "prostitute", and give her a bloody good seeing to.." And Thor did, and he saw that this was good..

The next day, he came back up to see Bob, and told him of the previous night's events. "Oh Bob," he said, grinning like a shagged out God, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times.."

"37 times?!?!" exclaimed Bob. "You must go and apologise this instant!".. so Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying.. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor.."

"You're Thor?!?!" Shouted the girl. "You're Thor?!?.. I can't even pith!!!"

Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this young lady. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

"As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about ten minutes ago."