They found the wreckage, but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief goes, "Yeah." When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked.

One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi"

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you..you know...eat their........... ..'things'? "

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuers.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke!"

One year recently, it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told to, in turn, by his predecessor...but then the Pope said, "This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?"

"Damned if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out."

"Good idea," said the Pope.

So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope.

And do you know what they found?

The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."

"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again.

"Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains:

"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing.

Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth- out, and still nothing.

We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"

As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?"

"Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha."

"Then, where are you?"

"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!"

The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm I prescribed?"

"Yes." she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then asked.

"Grape." she said.

"I'm looking for some deodorant for my new husband, Jon, but I don't know what type he uses."

The clerk says, "Is it the ball type?"

"No," says Judi, it's for his underarms."

The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!"

"But......" stammers the driver.

"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yu!"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin!"

"But....." says the driver.

"Now!"

So the driver does it again.

"Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again!" says the Highlander.

"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.

The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action" she was offering. Maybe he knew it was her...

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they took care of business. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

As he stumbles out the door to go home, he passes by a pumpkin patch. The shapes of the pumpkins lit up by the full moon reminds him of curvaceous posteriors of women and gets him quite horny. In his drunken state of mind, he decides to relieve his amorous desire by dropping his drawers and starts humping one of the pumpkins.

At that moment, a cop walks by and, seeing him, yells, "Hey Buddy!! Whaddya think yer doin' with that pumpkin!?"

Billy Bob stops, thinks for a moment, and then says, "Pumpkin? Sheesh, you mean to tell me that it's past midnight already!?"

One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?"

Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?"

"Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a taxidermist."

"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist, then?"

"I mount dead animals."

"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "he's one of us!"

It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise. They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and said, "Ok, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

He replied, "My wife is from Minsk."

Guy 1: Mexico has never had bungee jumping!
Guy 2: let's go!

They go to Mexico and set up. A big crowd gathers.

Guy 1: I'll jump down, and they'll see me. We'll get a lot of business.
Guy 2: Okay!
Guy 1: Just wait for me.

He jumps.

10 mins later, he doesn't come back.
30 mins later, he doesn't come back.
50 mins later, he doesn't come back.
Finally an hour later, he comes back!
He is bloody broken and beaten.

Guy 2: What the hell happened to you!!!!
Guy 1: I don't know, but what the fuck is a piñata?!?!

She asks what the exchange rate is and the teller says, "HK$12.50 for 1 British pound." She goes ahead and changes some money.

The next day she needs some more pounds and goes back to the bank. This time the teller says, "HK$12.80 for 1 British pound."

The Chinese lady says, "What's going on? Yesterday it was only $12.50 and now today it's $12.80???"

The snotty british teller says. "Fluctuations."

The Chinese lady replies, "Well, fluck you caucasions too!"

They don't have time.

They won't stop to ask directions.

Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

"The preacher replied that he was sure it must be in there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

The first guy says:
"I thought my wife was screwing around, so I went home at lunch to try and catch her in the act. I went to my apartment and heard the shower running, so I peeked inside. My wife was alone, so I started looking around the apartment for her lover. I looked everywhere, but couldn't find him. Finally, I heard cries for help coming from the terrace. (I live on the 25th floor of a high-rise.) I walked out on my terrace, and there's a guy hanging onto the railing, dangling 25 floors up. I'm sure it's him, so I start trying to get him off by kicking his hands. No dice. He won't let go. So I go back into my apartment and get a hammer. I beat him on the hands until he lets go. He falls 25 stories and lands on a hedge. I look down and see he's still alive, so I go back inside and push the refrigerator out to the terrace, over the railing and it lands directly on him, killing him. I was so despondent over having killed the guy, I went inside and killed myself."

The second guy says:
"I had just bought myself a trampoline, and I was jumping up and down on it when I lost my balance and flew over the side of my terrace. (I live on the 26th floor of a high-rise.) Miraculously, I managed to catch the railing of the terrace on the floor below me. I'm holding on and calling for help, when this guy comes out of the apartment and starts kicking my hands, trying to make me let go. I keep holding on, so he gets a hammer and starts hitting my hands. I let go and fell all those floors into a hedge. I'm happy to be alive until I look up and see a refrigerator about to land on me. That's the last thing I remember."

St. Peter nods his head and looks at the third guy and says: "Well, how did you die?"

The third guy says:
"Picture this, I'm naked and I'm hiding inside a refrigerator . . . "

Yeah she's carrying Woody's next wife.

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday I came three times."

"Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel - that'll kinda give you a buzz."

So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But It doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great - NO hangover!

The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!, and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No - that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"What??"

"Did you FART yet??"

"No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"

The porn video has better music.

The man replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I will just wait for the police..."

Mrs. Cohen says, "Now my Sheldon, what a man! A world famous lawyer he is, with big shot clients, a mansion in Beverly Hills, a summer home in Hawaii. He has a beautiful wife, and everything a man could want in the world."

Mrs. Levy says, "That's nice. Lemme tell you about my son Jonathan. He is a doctor, a world-famous researcher. He travels across the world on conferences, talks, and lectures. He was nominated for a Nobel prize in medicine. What a man!"

Mrs. Lefkowitz says, "My Hershel, he's an engineer. Now, he makes maybe $35,000 a year, and he's not famous. But his petsel is so long, he can line up ten pigeons in a row on it."

The three ladies quietly sip their tea for a while...

Then, Mrs. Cohen says, "Actually, I've got a confession to make. Sheldon is an up-and-coming lawyer in Los Angeles, but he doesn't have a mansion or a summer home. He's just a bright young man with a good future."

Mrs. Levy says: "Well, I got a confession too. Jonathan is a good doctor, and he got his share of scholarships-but a Nobel prizewinner, he isn't."

Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Levy look expectantly at Mrs. Lefkowitz.

"Well, all right, I'll tell the truth too," admitted Mrs. Lefkowitz. "The last pigeon has to stand on one leg."

He doubts it, so she shows him, and sure enough the little royal gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every pommie in the crowd. Gradually it subsides.

His Holiness, not wishing to be outdone by a woman, who incidentally is wearing a worse frock and hat than he is, thinks to himself, what am I to do. Then it dawns on him.

"Your Majesty, that was impressive, but did you know that with one nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but this joy will go deep to their hearts, and they will talk of it and rejoice for months, perhaps years."

The Queen, of course, seriously doubts this ... "One little nod of your head, and all the Irish are joyous for months? Show me."

So the Pope headbutts her.

"Oh yes," she said, smiling sweetly. "When I was in town I found a little foil package on the sidewalk and took it home. The directions on the back said, 'Keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease,' and you know, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."

Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied, "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

On his way home, after having the bandages removed, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he asks the vendor to guess his age, to which the vendor says, about 35. "I'm actually 47", the man says feeling happy about the facelift.

As he leaves, he stops at McDonald's for lunch, and asks the counter person the same question, to which the person tells him he looks about 29. "I'm actually 47," the man says, but the clerk's answer really made him feel good.

He then walks to the bus stop to get the bus home. A few minutes later, an old lady walks up behind him to wait for the bus. He turns around to the old lady and asks her the same question, to which she says . . ."I am 85 years old and my eyesight is unfortunately fading. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hands down your pants and play with your private parts for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one else around, the man thought-what the hell-and let her slip her hands down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47 years old."

The man is completely stunned and says, "That is totally unbelievable, how did you do it?", to which the old lady replies, "It wasn't too hard, I was standing behind you in line at McDonald's."

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

The egg in the meantime appears angry and very frustrated.

The egg finally pipes up and says, "WELL, I GUESS THAT ANSWERS THAT QUESTION!!!"

"What is it now, Hillary?"

"They say you spent a bundle of money on plastic surgery for that Monica Lewinsky girl."

"Oh now, see how they always have to put a spin on what I said?" Bill responds. "What I said was 'I blew a wad on her face'!"

Someone who comes to your door and tells you to fuck off!

A one hour wait for a two minute ride.

She has to chew before she can swallow.

While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers!

The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."

Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."

Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either!

The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."

Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.

The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb."