naughty.bits archive, page 7


A man who owns a horse stud farm gets a call from a friend. " I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyessth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about the earssth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrathe. I'd like to theee her run!"

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"Exactly."

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mummy what are they doing?".

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night".

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "I licked the icing off the sofa".

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring,I know dis you firt time and you flighten...I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"

"I wanna numma 69", she replies.

He responds, "You wanna beef with bloccolli?"

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:

"Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Howard, you are a veterinarian."

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asks.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man exclaims, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy - speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. - tells the first guy, "I  w..a..s..  a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r..i..e..d." The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more." The answer comes,

" Y..e..s,   I   w..e..n..t   t..o   a   d..o..c..t..o..r..  a..n..d  h..e   t..o..l..d   m..e   t..h..a..t   i..f   I   s..p..e..a..k  s..l..o..w..l..y   I   w..i..l..l   n..o..t   s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and then asks again about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l   m..y   f..i..a..n..c..e..e  a..n..d   I   w..e..r..e   s..i...t..t..i..n..g  o..n   h..e..r  p..o...r..c..h   a..n..d  t..h..e   d..o..g   w..a..s   s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g   h..i..s  b..a..c..k  a..n..d   I   t..o..l..d   h..e..r   t..h..a..t  w..h..e..n   w..e   a..r..e  m..a..r..r..i..e..d   s..h..e  c..a..n  d..o   t..h..a..t   f..o..r   m..e   a..n..d   s..h..e  t..h..r..e..w   t..h..e   r..i..n..g   i..n  m..y   f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

" W..e..l..l   I   s..p..e..a..k   s..o   s..l..o..w..l..y,   t..h..a..t   b..y   t..h..e   t..i..m..e   s..h..e  l..o..o..k..e..d  a..t  t..h..e   d..o..g,   h..e   w..a..s   l..i..c..k..i..n..g   h..i..s   b..a..l..l..s"

A woman is at a bar, drinking and depressed. A man walks in and sits next to her. He, too, is drinking and depressed. After a time, the man asks the woman, "What are you so depressed about?" She says, "My husband left me because he thought I was too kinky." He says, "Really? My wife left me because she thought I was too kinky!"

They order another drink, and she says to him, "Hey listen, we're both adults here, and it looks like we might have a little something in common...whaddya say we go back to my place and see what happens?" He says, "Sounds like a great idea!" And they finish their drinks and leave.

When they get to her place, she says to him "Wait right here, I'm going to go change into something a little more comfortable." She goes into her bedroom and puts on some black leather boots with six-inch heels, a leather mini-skirt, a rubber bra with the nipples cut out, a dog collar, and a leather hood. She grabs a riding crop and some handcuffs and saunters seductively out to the living room where she sees the guy putting on his coat and hat and heading out the door.

"Where ya going?" she asks. "I thought we were going to get kinky?"

"Hey," he says, "I fucked your dog, I shit in your purse...I'm outta here!"

The boy takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blow job?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"Sweetie.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blow job himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

Bill Clinton dies and, as we expected, goes directly to hell.

He is met at hell's gates by Satan, who tells him that, contrary to popular opinion, hell is indeed full. However, Satan continues, since Clinton so richly deserves to spend eternity in hell, he will replace one of the current inhabitants.

But, Satan softens the bad news by telling Clinton that he can choose who he replaces in hell and takes him to a hall with three doors.

He opens the first door. There stands Newt Gingrich, sweating mightily as he labors with a large sledgehammer, making little rocks from big ones.

Clinton shudders. "I don't want to spend eternity working like that. Give me another choice." Satan opens the second door and there is Ted Kennedy, bobbing for old auto parts in a cold pool of filthy water.

Clinton grimaces. "I don't want to be doing that until the end of time! Show me another choice." Satan opens the third door. There stands Ken Starr, totally naked and bound tightly to a pole. Kneeling in front of him is Monica Lewinsky, doing......well, doing what she is most famous for doing.

Clinton brightens. "Well, if I'm going to be spending eternity in hell, that doesn't look too bad. I'll choose this."

"Very well" says Satan. "You may leave , Monica."

This husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over as whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet".

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first". So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up concerned "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?". No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts, "Clumsy bitch".

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his teeth.

As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter.

Then she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before-it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I am a Divorce Attorney.

It's Robin's first time at the gynecologist. She's up in the stirrups, and she's scared to death. The gynecologist says, "You're nervous, aren't you?"

She says, "Yes. It's my first time at the gynecologist."

He says, "Would you like me to numb you down there?"

She says, "Please."

He sticks his head between her legs and goes, "Num, num, num..."

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